Ayarane Project

When the thought of being relegated to being the Attic Monster really gets me down, things like the below make me… somewhat glad that I rarely venture down to the first floor. Lamentations of lack of human contact are quickly dashed by the glare of the jerk stepfather who can’t stand the sight of me for reasons I’ll never understand, and– OHGOD BULLDOGS AND CACOPHONY OF WOOF.

I know mother has realized (partially) the stupidity of leaving Wilson and BabyGirl intact long enough to go through one heat (on the grounds of “omg if I fix them too early it will stunt their growth!!1”), and will be getting at least the latter spayed afterwards… but, well, never underestimate the amount of FAIL that goes down on the first floor.

Wilson is so freaking horny that he’s chewing on the puppy gates. Dude wants out badly enough so he can make with the bow-chika-wow-wow.

Yoshi: Wilson looks like he could use a straightjacket.
Mother: He’s been acting crazy, I don’t know why. I want the old Wilson back so I can cuddle him!

….

Head, meet desk.

OF COURSE he’s nuts. He still has them! AND BabyGirl’s practically shoving her ass in his face. This is, like, the equivalent of Denlan being taunted by bikinified Nimue. Massive, MASSIVE “DUH” moment!

Countering mother’s seemingly-willful ignorance about dog care with facts is either an in-one-ear-out-the-other thing, or worse, her new favored tactic to avoid admitting that she’s in over her head is to question my sources (let’s see… Wikipedia, the same bulldog info sites mother frequents, oh, and father used to have a mess of dog books– that I KNOW mother never read beyond gawking at the puppy pictures– from waaay back when we had the labs in ’91, and I would read those whenever I got bored with reading the medical terminology and anatomy books that got bundled with the encyclopedia set) or claim I’m being too negative/serious and trying to undermine her efforts as a “dog mom.”

“Dog mom.”

Is it me, or does this strike me as actually being creepier than “Octomom?”

If, for some bizarre reason, anyone reading this is EVER considering getting a bulldog (of either the English, American or French flavoring)… well, don’t, unless you have insanely deep pockets or you are related/married to or are a vet yourself. Actually, even then I would advise against it. I’m not saying this because I’m biased in favor of cats, either, because they can be costly too. But if you MUST get a bulldog… do your sanity a favor, and only get one. And get it fixed as soon as possible. And FFS, do NOT skimp on obedience training! I don’t care how repetitive it may be. But, yes, definitely spay/neuter ASAP (I don’t get this “stunt their growth” BS, isn’t that a good thing? Makes them look small and puppy-like longer?)

Because, really, there is no sight more grotesque than two bulldogs trying to– and completely failing at*– having sex.
If that statement alone squicks you out and dissuaded you from getting one… my job is done. :P Else, proceed to the fine print below!

* I say fail because bulldog anatomy is so screwed up because of human meddling on the genetic level that they can’t even put it in. (That said, nothing stops them from going through the motions anyhow. Ahem…) Female bulldogs are effectively reduced to biological incubators when it comes to making puppies as you’re stuck with conducting more or less a doggy in-vitro, and then the puppies’ heads are so big that the mother can’t even whelp them without them getting stuck, hence a doggy c-section. No wonder bulldog puppies are $2000 a pop!