I, uh, apparently have a reputation for being really nice and sweet and not judgmental at all…
But let’s be real, EVERYONE has a bit of an asshole in them, and I’m not exempt from this.
There is of course the part of me that’s a Filthy Atheist(tm) but that’s already been touched on a bit before. No, today I want to talk about how I’m a jerk when it comes to having friends or acquaintances who are pregnant.
Growing up, I had a bunch of teachers who would be very visibly pregnant, and when they went on maternity leave, most of them did not come back. (West Heritage Elementary had an absurd amount of turnover, in hindsight.) Since my depression was already punching me in the face pretty hardcore, building up a relationship with these teachers, only to have them bail on me was not very helpful and just left me more lost in The Sads, and as you know I didn’t have much support at home, and now I have these long-term subs who would look at me like I was that sad sack of “I don’t know what to do with her” and were even more unhelpful. So there’s one strike in my psyche, childhood!me came to associate pregnant women with “you will be abandoned soon, don’t bother.”
And I would watch videos and TV documentaries about the “joys of childbirth” and such, thinking it would give me some sort of insight as to what the appeal is, and I was just not seeing it. Let’s repeat that, I’m a female and I don’t understand the appeal of having babies.
So, really, I guess this is a roundabout way of saying “shit happened in childhood, therefore I am one of those Childfree people.”
The frustration is that in recent years, as people I’ve met and went to school with/gamed with on the internets and such, they’re pairing off and having babies. And when I see the announcement a part of me winces a bit, because childhood!me is all “well shit, why did I bother if I’m going to be ditched after the baby’s here?” It’s not a narcissistic “you’re having a baby and not going to pay attention to meeeeee” envy thing, it’s just this thing that triggers bad memories of childhood and feeling like I’m going to be cast aside just like all the other times and I don’t want to deal with that if I can help it.
The next part DOES come with a bit of doucheyness on my part, it’s being rather annoyed with those who wear their pregnancy-addled heart on their sleeves. Actually it feeds more into my general irritation with emotional, dramatic people in general (thanks, mom!), but whenever someone starts getting weepy because of hormones or whatever, inside I’m all “calm your boobs, sheesh,” and gritting my teeth REALLY HARD because I gotta hold my tongue. I get gaslit all the time whenever I’m a bit down (again, feeding back to not-supportive family members) and in almost every other instance I’m able to not be a jerk that way… except for this. It just makes me think “stop, oh jeebus, you’re being ridiculous and aggravating. Just, don’t.” It’s super-mean and invalidating and I’m very sorry and I try to keep this part of me stuffed in a corner so as not to be a douche or repeat the cycle of people not giving a shit about other’s feelings.
Social media spam of babies and such, they surprisingly don’t bother me as much, though a part of me does wonder about this trend– what’s the kid going to think when they grow up and the first thing that happens when they google themselves and find the obligatory Drooly Baby/Naked Baby in Bathtub pictures. We don’t exactly give them a chance to give or deny consent, and most parents don’t really think about the future consequences of posting pictures of their then-infant children. But that’s a question to be debated elsewhere, I suppose.
BlingPad Pro next week, surely there will be pictures and gushing over my latest and greatest tool in the Instant Ramen Sketchbook scene.
(Yes, “BlingPad Pro” because I’m getting my iPad Pro in gooooooold. I may put a BlingTron as my wallpaper for the first week. :P)