Posts Tagged ‘what the hell’

The End… Oh Wait

Monday, May 23rd, 2011

Hello, internets. Since we are here, I’m going to assume the world didn’t end.

However, I think my DVR did. I tried to loot an episode of Letterman last week but it didn’t take. Now, I’ve heard of some shows having a “no-record” flag being slapped on them, but I certainly would have heard about that by now. The other clue that my DVR is dying is that I’m finding I can’t rewind/pause live TV anymore. WTF. I missed the second half of Law and Order SVU and tried to rewind the live feed so I could go back for it… nope! This would be less of a pain if I was watching through my Windows Slingbox client, but I was on Dinah (who for some reason has to use an older version) and her Mac client doesn’t have its own DVR controls. Boooo.

It’s not that I don’t have enough space (it says I have 46% of the drive space free, and I think they shove 250GB hard drives in here), and the stuff I already recorded still works, though most of them are disaster movies I could easily loot elsewhere. There are means of tapping in via Firewire or something to extract the other recordings but I’m not sure I feel like disconnecting it and hauling it over to Blastoise for capture.

Holy crap I actually went outdoors last week… except it was to get a blood test. Quest overhauled its Rancho office, and, uh… whoever picked the colors for it HAS to be an Android fanboy. Seriously, white and Android-green. They might as well have put in “this lab is powered by Google” and put in little Android plushies in the waiting area. (Actually, there actually IS an ad for Google’s health records service. HAH)

At least this time I got to pay the lab bill right there than wait on it to drop in the mail. It wasn’t as bad as last time. :P

It’s like home invasion, but worse

Sunday, May 1st, 2011


It’s like I’m not allowed to change my routine at all or else mother will freak out and yell at me like I did something bad. Because my chair in my office is slowly breaking down and getting louder every time I move, I decided today I’ll just stay in my room and bum around the internets on Dinah so I won’t cause any CACOPHONY OF WOOF… and then when mother comes in to bring me food she’s all pissed off at me because of, well, I don’t even know, to be honest– something about what happened to my fridge (the super-nosy newbie cats pried open the door just enough to negate the seal). She’s pissed because I choose not to answer her (and thus not feed into the Drama Monster), and that I’m withdrawn because I’m so weary of dealing with the Drama Monster shredding me apart for imaginary reasons. If I’m on Blastoise, I’m accused of “sitting around and eating everything.” She’s pissed because I still have only cursory interest in food. She only barely notices my drawing ability, usually handwaving it as some useless, expensive thing that I shouldn’t be wasting time on.

Well good lord, woman, what am I supposed to be doing? Oh, right, LOSING WEIGHT. (If such a thing can be doine in a vacuum.) Except I can’t exercise in this damned house without setting off the bulldogs, and I can’t go outside because it’s always a pain to get through that teeny tiny gap in the bushes without nearly tripping on the stepping stones or on the potholes in the grass… and she freaks out if I show any sign of exhaustion because OH MY GOD YOU’RE GOING TO DIE SEE THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU ARE BIG AND HERP A DERP A DING DONG AND YOU’RE JUST A BAD PERSON BUT I CAN’T LET YOU DIE, WHAT ON EARTH WOULD OTHER PEOPLE SAY EVEN THOUGH I DON’T CARE IF I DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS.



What would you have me do? How am I supposed to pass the time? NOTHING makes you happy. I’m taking steps to help myself but it’s either not fast/drastic enough for your liking, or you just don’t like it because you can’t take credit for it, or you think I have some ulterior motivation to undermine you. You don’t even love me, I’m just your pet/attic monster that you can take everything out on, and I’m supposed to feel sorry for you because my existence drives you crazy. I’m sorry, I just can’t… you used up your goodwill with me long ago, when I figured out that you probably weren’t an innocent victim of all those mean coworkers who lived to pick on you.

No, it’s not okay for you to just… charge right into my personal space to yell at me. It’s creepy, a blatant invasion of my private space and… just plain douchebaggy.

And she asks again why I feel I need treatment for depression, and says I don’t deserve it.

Inside, I facedesk. I want to cry, but I can’t… it’ll just make her yell more and set off the dogs. She’s certainly going to whine about and thus demonize me to Evil Stepfather. I feel very, very much alone right now… even as Kestine comes to troll for attention.

By the way, the contact information I got? It’s a dud. Well, that’s fun… I didn’t trust it to begin with, and now it seems I was right. Off to the internets for me… hopefully I can find someone who’s at least heard of email, because I don’t think I can take the thought of having to cold-call around. Hell, that phobia is already what keeps me out of the job market… just… ugh…

People want me to live in this world, but they aren’t giving me good reasons as to why.


Sunday, April 24th, 2011

I cleaned up my room a little bit today (as much as I could do with brain fog and wearing out easily, anyway). Now my rolly-table is back in order, meaning Dinah is no longer confined to being “docked” on her chill pad and I can use her as an actual laptop with minimal cables… or none, if I’m feeling daring. I forget that my ninja laptop has a battery that doesn’t suck– the only real battery-killer is video, so as long as I keep that to a minimum I can make her last the better part of an afternoon. Of course, when I’m out and about, I’ll surely keep her power brick on hand, but MacBook power bricks are much smaller than those for Windows-based laptops. :P

This is all part of my greater goal, to eventually move my bed so it is flush with the HDTV and thus I won’t have to crane my head to look at the screen. But there are some secondary effects… as much of a pain is it to do ANY kind of physical work, I gotta do it eventually. Unlike others in my family, though, I consider even the smallest action a victory… I remember all those times getting yelled at because I allegedly didn’t do “enough” despite not being given some kind of parameters. So, even clearing off my rolly-table to deploy it, and putting away some widgets that had piled up… sure, doesn’t sound like much, but it’s SOMETHING, which is much, much better than nothing.

Slow and steady wins the race, they say. This is so, so true for a big person who’s clawing her way out of a pit. I just have to remember this and not be distracted by those who would shout at me to “do it faster.”

Put another way, I’m not waiting on synthroid to try and work on things, though I know being liberated from brain fog will help things along significantly. I don’t want to think something like the medicine I should have been more vigilant in taking is going to fix everything, but more like it will be a much-needed jump-start to other things (for one thing, I need to find some way to slip out for walks to recover my stamina… which in turn will lead to my being able to train in the Yoshi Car and find other, more visually-appealing places to walk because, really, the tract housing around here is not that much fun to look at).

One thing I need to do right after I post, though? Order a freaking handheld shower head. I can’t believe I’ve forgotten about that for so long… didn’t have any, for some reason, so it’s Amazon for me. :P I guess I’m just spooked about asking for installation. >_>;

So, let’s see… I have laundry done (woo), I just need to shower because I know I won’t be able to Monday morning… and Tuesday I’m hopefully going to break out my CD to refill the Magic Coin Block before the next Allstate bill hits. :P

And the shower head.

Which I’m going to pull up and loot…


What the hell just happened…?

Saturday, April 2nd, 2011

Well, that was kind of a bust.

I went into the week, determined to enjoy Yoshi Day as a whole. I may be getting older, and this world may suck, but for all that is icky and bad, at the very end there is cake. Minutes before getting in the shower, though, my sister TXTs me saying she’d be coiming along with Robert as well, and part of me is just “oh shi–!” because my sister and mother together = DRAMA MONSTER POWERS, UNITE.

I was about to tell her that she might be wiser to sit this one out (Bro could always come snatch me later) but she’d already made up her mind, but in my optimism that this year’s Yoshi Day could not possibly be wrangled in boo, I did not.

After showering, I was being a little lazy because I didn’t think people would be coming over yet… but then the land ling rings with my sister’s number, and minutes after that, mother suddenly bails from the house without a word, and Evil Stepfather’s barking at me to stand by at the door to let Robert in. Good lord, dood, putting on my socks in which I bought it online from, is not exactly trivial for a big person who cramps easly. Besides, Robert has a key, he can let himself in.

My sister, by the way, made this megacookie:

I may not have an Angry Birds-themed cake (it’s a generic chocolate cake with yellow frosting) but everything else is Angry Birds-related. XD

I’ll admit, it was… really awkward. Usually what happens is that mother dominates in the conversations and setting up entertainment and other things and I’m kinda pushed off into the corner (even when it’s my birthday) and this time it’s the equivalent of me being put on stage with no prep or support… mother’s taken off for destinations unknown and last-minute attempts to contact her result in “enjoy your day, I’d just be a drag,” (really, if you were serious about it, you’d have taken Evil Stepfather with you! >_>;) and I’m still competing with bulldogs as far a noise levels go.

Um… er… what do I do…? I mean… after 26+ years worth of Yoshi Days, I’d have figured this out by now…
A little bit of tech show and tell– my iPhone, for one thing. They ask if I would ever want an iPad, I say “Hell no, I have something better” and bring out Dinah and tell her story– when I bought her, it was either shell out for another Windows laptop just to make sure it has something better than failtastic Intel onboard without any guarantee it still wouldn’t otherwise suck, or put the same amount of money towards an Apple and know it has some semblance of a solid setup as far as hardware goes.
But then the conversation begins to veer in a direction I am not comfortable with Evil Stepfather being in earshot for, AND allergy medication that both siblings chugged before coming here (to protect against the kitties) is starting to wear off. I can’t just boot them without actually doing something… hum…

Actually, I think I wanted more of a scenery change just to take my mind off the anxiety coming from mother having taken off– by itelf, a bit of a jerky move but forgivable if it was meant to prevent drama, but it would have been nice if I had been told beforehand. So I suggested ending the night with an IHOP run– it’s close and yay chocolate chip pancakes and mozzarella sticks :D

Caveat: Robert’s car is awesome, but DEFINITELY NOT friendly to the big and tall. (Bren’s car and the Yoshi Car– especially the Yoshi Car– those two are way easier to board/disembark from if you’re big) It’s seriously a low-riding car and I cramp up so easily, so getting in and out is a nightmare– I keep bonking my head on the door and my glasses fall off, as does my hat. This is partially my fault, I really do need to get on walking about more, even if I’m stuck in this cluttered, barricaded house. Probably I should have asked for a walking stick and Dr. Scholls inserts for my moccassins. Ah…

So, that was Yoshi Day, and every time I’ve tried to write about it I’ve dozed off. Oh crap, I should probably go plug Dinah back in, that’s how tired I was.

Despite what mother did, part of me feels I should offer to “reboot” some aspect of Yoshi Day for her sake. I came home too full to eat any cake, so there’s one thing… I wonder if, even if we don’t actually go out, I could just lure her away from bulldogs for a little bit? I’m such a weirdo. After everything I put up with coming from her, part of me still wants something resembling a mother…