Chilly Writer’s Block

Do you think society puts too much pressure on people to be in relationships and/or have children? Do you think this ostracizes people who would be perfectly content to remain single and/or child-free? Is this pressure worse around the holidays?

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Yes. And quite frankly, they can go eff themselves.

I have never wanted children because of the barely-not-considered-abuse-but-sure-as-hell-feels-like-it that continues to haunt me. Not only have I never felt I had anything to offer a child, I often catch myself having horrible thoughts I dare not repeat here when I see or hear children…. even if it’s on TV. Mother used to “bingo” me about the subject of children before but she has since accepted that I will not change my mind (which partially explains her going overboard with pets– not only are they meant to replace me and my siblings, but also the grandkids that never will be).

Also as horrible as this sounds… I have an aversion to pregnant women and new mothers. Among other things I don’t feel like mentioning here, they tend to look upon me like I’m a bad person, someone to be avoided, as if my presence could be toxic to their offspring. Maybe they’re right. But, it goes both ways… A small part of me can’t help but wonder if they will fall for the easily-sprung trap that awaits them, the one in which they lose their personalities and become so absorbed in their children that they themselves just disappear. I find the prospect of that frightening beyond words. I have enough existential crises as is, I don’t want another one.

As for relationships…. no more, barring a miracle that I’ve lost hope in. I’ve failed too many times and been worn down too much to even want to try again. I just don’t have the will to do it anymore. Every time I failed it’s like more and more of me dies off and sinks into the abyss… and I’m only 25. Not to mention, who the hell (beyond chubby-chasers) could look upon me without being driven to revulsion?

I realize this is all the talk of someone with no backbone and no self-confidence and that a good chunk of it can be disregarded as such, but is there not some truth to it as well? That if there is no desire and the potential for worse things, maybe it’s safer to abstain? I mean, shit, I get weird looks if I as much as admit to liking a celebrity or something… it’s like people think it’s bizarre for me to even have those thoughts (or weirder yet, they think I’m a lesbian because I simply do not talk about having any interest in men– but at the same time, that’s better than being made fun of or worse if they knew otherwise…).

So, relationships and children… no. Do not want. I would rather live quietly with my cats. Go forth and propagate as you will, I’ll have no part of it.

I like cold weather but this is absurd. Blastoise is unusable as a Ramen machine because his room is too damn cold. So I’m on Iggy, bundled up in 2 cloaks and 3 blankets (and it turns out our heater really IS broken and not mother BSing it as she has previously done), trying to thaw enough to do much other than watch TV. Tempted to wake Dinah just to use her as a hand-warmer, FFS. x_x

I ported the Snowscheme PSD over to Iggy in case I thaw enough to color the current WIP. Brr.

Aw smoo, there’s a new patch for WoW today? Must defrost so I can patch. Gah!

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